1 Year Later...

Its funny how a particular moment in time can feel decades old and like yesterday at the same time. It has been a full year since Joshua was born, I cant believe this particular milestone has arrived here so fast. I has been harder for me than I anticipated, I don't know how Crista is really doing. On mothers day I thought it would be really hard for her but she seemed to be ok with it. The next day was a lot more difficult for her because she had kept herself busy and distracted until the next day. I know Joshua's party thing will be good for her and I am excited to take her out of town just the two of us.

For me I really don't know how I am feeling. I know it hurts and I know I miss him, but other than that I don't know what to feel. As horrible as it might sound I'd just like to put this all behind me. Is there a way to do that without forgetting? I NEVER want to forget Joshua, he will always be my first born and my son. I just don't want to remember the whole experience over and over again. I know it is impossible but sometimes I would like it.

After all this time the only question I really have is this... God why would you allow Crista to get pregnant despite the fact she was using birth control, and we didn't feel ready for a baby, and then take him from us? What is your grand master plan in that? Am I wrong or are hundreds of thousands of unwanted babies born every year? Couldn't you have taken one of those babies? What is it I am supposed to learn from this? I know and believe everything happens for a reason, what is the reason for this happening?? Please strengthen me, I need you more than ever! Help guide me in this time. Please make me a leader of my house, give me strength, wisdom, patience, grace (for myself and others) peace, humbleness, and purpose!

Joshua, I love and miss you so very much. I cant wait to see you. I know Jesus is taking good care of you and I am thankful that you will never have to feel like he has left you or feel the hurt, pain and sorrow of the world. -Dad

P.S. Since you have an in with God, would you please tell him that your daddy really wants a Oregon Duck Football National Championship this year (well I want one every year but I don't want to be greedy) If He could hook me up I would really appreciate it! Thanks little man! Love ya!