1 Year Later...

Its funny how a particular moment in time can feel decades old and like yesterday at the same time. It has been a full year since Joshua was born, I cant believe this particular milestone has arrived here so fast. I has been harder for me than I anticipated, I don't know how Crista is really doing. On mothers day I thought it would be really hard for her but she seemed to be ok with it. The next day was a lot more difficult for her because she had kept herself busy and distracted until the next day. I know Joshua's party thing will be good for her and I am excited to take her out of town just the two of us.

For me I really don't know how I am feeling. I know it hurts and I know I miss him, but other than that I don't know what to feel. As horrible as it might sound I'd just like to put this all behind me. Is there a way to do that without forgetting? I NEVER want to forget Joshua, he will always be my first born and my son. I just don't want to remember the whole experience over and over again. I know it is impossible but sometimes I would like it.

After all this time the only question I really have is this... God why would you allow Crista to get pregnant despite the fact she was using birth control, and we didn't feel ready for a baby, and then take him from us? What is your grand master plan in that? Am I wrong or are hundreds of thousands of unwanted babies born every year? Couldn't you have taken one of those babies? What is it I am supposed to learn from this? I know and believe everything happens for a reason, what is the reason for this happening?? Please strengthen me, I need you more than ever! Help guide me in this time. Please make me a leader of my house, give me strength, wisdom, patience, grace (for myself and others) peace, humbleness, and purpose!

Joshua, I love and miss you so very much. I cant wait to see you. I know Jesus is taking good care of you and I am thankful that you will never have to feel like he has left you or feel the hurt, pain and sorrow of the world. -Dad

P.S. Since you have an in with God, would you please tell him that your daddy really wants a Oregon Duck Football National Championship this year (well I want one every year but I don't want to be greedy) If He could hook me up I would really appreciate it! Thanks little man! Love ya!

Will it ever get better?

Well, since this is my first post it will probably be one of the longest because I have some background to cover!

First, My Name is Matthew and on July 18th, 2008 I Married the most amazing woman in the world Crista. Crista and I were married for about three months when we found out that despite using birth control she was pregnant. When the dust settled we were both very excited to start this journey into family life.

On Wednesday June 3rd Crista went into labor, she labored for 12 hours and at 12pm exactly Joshua Alan Nice was born. Unfortunately he was born not breathing and with no heart beat. To this day no one knows what happened. We prayed for two days for God to heal our son, but he had other plans. On Friday June 5th we said our goodbyes.

It was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do.

It has now almost been one year. Its been a tough year too, I lost my job, we lost our apartment, I lost my Grandma Holland. She has been one of the biggest influences in my life. Its just been rough.

Crista, and I have had major ups and downs too. Its really hard for me, she hurts daily. I wake up to her crying and I try to be comforting but its really hard for me. I have let Joshua go, I think about him all the time but I know he is in a better place. I also never had the same relationship that Crista had with him. She felt him every day, she talked to him, prayed for him, and dreamed about him daily. I will never know him the way she did. The biggest struggle is that lately the memories and pain have really affected her mood and attitude. We fight constantly. She doesn't have the patience or confidence in herself that she used to. So because of that when I tease her like I always have she gets upset. This change of personality has been very hard for me to adapt to.

I have always teased the people I love. Its kind of a love language for me. I kind of do it with out thinking. I need to learn to be more kind and think about what I say and do more, but I cant change over night and I feel like she should give me some grace! Also its really hard for me to comfort her. I am a guy, and as a guy I always try to fix things. Crista cant be fixed by me, she is the kind of broken that only God and time can heal and that frustrates me to no end! I have no answers, no words, and no insight. I am just as helpless as she is.

We are almost at the one year anniversary, on June 3rd 2010 Joshua would have been 1 year old. My hope and prayer is that after the 3rd maybe things will get better. My hope is that after this very identifiable date that Crista and I will be able to move on.

God, I know You lost Your one and only Son, Please be with me and my wife with the grief of ours. I know You are the only one who can take away our pain. Please dont leave us alone, Please be our strength!